you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
