please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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