Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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