I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
