Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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