I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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