my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
