A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
