This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
