I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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