Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
