the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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