she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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