tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
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