Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
