one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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