i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
