I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
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I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
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The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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