Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
