Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
