I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
