The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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