so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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