just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
