my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
