have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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