oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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