3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
