One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
