After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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