I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
