Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
