Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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