Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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