Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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