You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
