how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
