i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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