I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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