It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
