help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You left your phone here
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