Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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