I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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