Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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