Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
my god I love twenty year old dicks
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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