a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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