cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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