She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
