i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
