but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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