Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Send help, water and tortillas.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
