So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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