the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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