On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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