I met the friendliest cop last night
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
