I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
