Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Welp...herpes.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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